- My dream, my heart, and God's will -

My dream, my heart, and God's will.

As I'm doing my study on the book of Daniel and preparing preaching material, I can't help but ponder how Daniel felt when everything he had was taken away from him. Even worse, to see his people perish at war and some of the young men taken to Babylon, a foreign land indeed.

A lot of the time, when difficulties arise it seems we are just midgets facing giants in the battle field. No turning back, just there to face our biggest fear at that moment. Of course I often remember the story of David and Goliath, and it gives me hope to know that Daniel and David have one precious thing in common, that they have GOD in their lives.

I do too... It was such a joy when God found me. I was lost, a dead girl walking in my own land of no purpose and no meaning, glamorous from the outside and poverty of the soul on the inside. Thanks be to God for His saving Grace that 'taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved', described perfectly by John Newton in the well known 'Amazing Grace' song. I'm forever grateful to The Living God for calling me and welcoming me as part of the family of the Heavenly Kingdom. As I am now walking in the land full of purpose and meaning, I can constantly look up to God in good times as well as in bad times.

I remember well on how I loved what Martin Luther King once said "I have a dream..." What he meant was for the equality of race in America, and I fully believe that Race is very sacred, and no one could treat one race lower than another race, although we often fail this in practice.

You may have realised by now that I have ADD (attention deficit disorder) hahaha... The train of my thoughts randomly link a lot of things to one story, but at the end it makes sense, trust me, so bear with me.

I have a dream.... And that dream started when I was just a 9 year old girl living in Bali with my parents. My mom and dad worked in the fashion industry. They used to have a few shops and a little clothing factory. Mom often took me to toko kain (fabric shop) and on the weekend I often worked at her shop helping the shop keeper to promote the collections (speaking of child labour here hehehe..). I was in love with the fashion world. I learnt a lot from my Dad and Mom and it stayed in the deepest part of my heart that one day I would love to do what they were doing; I had a dream.... to open my own shop... one day....


My life was full of surprises. I mean, who would ever thought that a little girl who grew up in Bali ended up living in some of the greatest cities across the globe: New York, Paris, Milan, Spain, Sydney, Sao Paolo, Rio De Janeiro, Hong Kong, Manila, Los Angeles, Miami, and many more... What did I remember most from the modeling world? It was my fascination to the fashion industry. For example, when I went to meet Mr.Jean Paul Gaultier at his work shop in Paris for a fitting, I was in awe of this genius man's work shop. It was sooo messy and yet there were plenty of brilliant designs and ideas scattered around in that huge room. I wondered if I could ever be a designer, just like him, I would love to have a huge showroom.


When I go or accompany someone shopping, I like to watch the shop keeper work, where they store the collection, how they do the billing, packaging, and all the other details on how they run the shop. I keep what I see in the back of my mind, while dreaming that one day I'll have my own little shop.

I do have a passion for fashion, and I have a dream... And my dream came true. 17 of August 2005 was the day when I had the grand opening of my shop in Seminyak Bali. I was sooo joyful and couldn't believe it! Years of dreaming finally came true! I was rejoicing! Dreams do come true and my baby business was born! My very first business adventure began.
I've tasted the sweetness of the fruits of my labour. I enjoyed creating the collection, and I'm grateful my friend Lindy was there to help gather all of the collection, and my friend Andrini, tante Cece, and many friends helping me to promote it. And my family was very helpful too, my mom, my Dad, my siblings, my aunt, and my cousins have been so helpful.

I dream to expand, I dream to go international, I dream to open more opportunities for others to work for me, I wish to have more than 3 employees.

Let me summarize my shop's 5 year journey: 1st year (2005-2006): doing really well, exposed to the local newspaper and magazines, financially strong, many clients.

2nd year (2006-2007):doing really well, many repeat customers, financially still strong, many new clients local and tourists. Exposed to Japanese magazines.

3rd year (2007-2008): doing okay, collections were mixed between colourful stuff and classic colour, made a little profit.

4th year (2008-2009): not doing too well, too much stock, less buyers, very little income, decreased number of clients.

5th year (2009-2010): struggling, visited the shop 3/ 4 times a year, collection is okay but clients didn't buy many products. The shop didn't make any money.


What went wrong? I don't know. I can start by saying I wasn't there and the shop didn't glow as it used to. I can say that I didn't do well with long distance business. I can say because I have a new commitment with my new job in Jakarta, and prior to this job, I was studying for 3 years in UK. I can list down many possible reasons, but that is not the point.

The point is this, I'm working in the ministry, but often I get distracted into thinking about all the details of my shop, my baby, my little business venture, my "tent making", my childhood dream come true, it is hard.... As much as I love my shop, I know it is not in good condition, eventhough I really wish I could have my shop back to the stage of 2005-2006. But there is something more... I feel like I need to do something bigger....

I remembered my struggle to understand Abraham story as he was tested by The Lord to give his son, Isaac, whom he loved as a burnt offering to God. As he was walking with Isaac to the mountain, Isaac asked "father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here. But where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

As most of us already know, the ending was a happy one, in fact we all can have the living sacrifice made by The Son of The Living God, Jesus Christ, on the mountain of golgotha.

It hit me when I realised I might have to let go of something that is soooo precious to me, my childhood dream, my passion, once was my tent making, my only baby business...

It is extremely hard, but I have to do something about it, and the only thing I can think of is to let go... Let go.. Let go...Trust The Lord and move on... (*sobbing*)

As I'm about to go back to my study on the book of Daniel: Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego was told to worship the statue made by gold, if not they would be killed in the blazing hot furnace and I was encouraged by these words "if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. BUT even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up"


May I paraphase it "if I have to close my shop, the God I serve is powerful and be able to save my shop from closing it, and He will rescue me and give me a new start. BUT even if He does not, I will constantly praise God of Heaven and follow His perfect plan for my life, for I know I'm serving a faithful God, whom have had give me more than I can ever imagine, I thank God for my good times and my bad times, amen"

Pray for me dear family and friends, this is very big decision, I have a dream.... But God's dream for my life is much better and bigger. May I constantly live by God's grace and fullfil God's perfect plan in my life, let God perfect dream of me be done in my life, amen.

Soli Deo Gratia,
Tracy Trinita